@hazelmotes1: My daughter doesn't know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won't know I took it out and am eating it now.
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@hipstermermaid: I got 99 problems and they're all friend requests from people I didn't like in high school.
@AddledPixie: "Unhand me you cad!" I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I've only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
@mjkspeaks: [argument w/girlfriend] HER: you know what your problem is? ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i'm about to find out
@heroinsdemise: What many don't know, "Riverdance" was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.