And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
You Might Also Like
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop