I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY