@Peauxtassium: My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
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@tracyofthenorth: People who say "seriously, another one?" after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.
@tigersgoroooar: hate when the barista asks "do you want whipped cream?" it feels there are only two answers: "yes please, i'm fat." or "no thanks, i'm fat."
@metafroth: How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
@david8hughes: [first day as homicide detective] Cop: any signs of forced entry? Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head