My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
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harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff