My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
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*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
never forget
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.