My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.