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KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”