My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
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It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.