My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
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I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”