My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
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This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
what
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.