@SSgtTommyD: My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I'll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
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@tastefactory: Worst Betrayals in History: - Judas turning on Jesus - Brutus helping to murder Caesar - Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
@NurseKimaaa: It's so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren't already inside their house.
@Henry_3k: Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
@aparnapkin: "Doctor, how bad is it?" "I mean, you're just not a great singer. I don't know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is."