My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I’m not stressed
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang