My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
You Might Also Like
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off