my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
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I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Bread puns are on the rise!
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss