@seamussaid: my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
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@trevso_electric: Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for "superficial"? "Shallow"? "Slave"? Or "soon to be obsolete"?
@CornOnTheGoblin: [gathers around casket and see's it's full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means [grandma's body is being dumped over the winning coach]
@slaughthie: I got called "vein" and I'm just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
@1followernodad: guys: women are a mystery. women: Here is what we- guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT? women: well for start- guys: Guess we'll never know!