My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
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God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Webb. James Webb.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!