My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
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Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.