The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
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As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
🙀🙀🙀😹
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?