@karri_leigh: My daughter is playing "you can't find me, Mommy"... I'm playing "I'm not trying, Suckaaaa".
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@dlockw21: TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight. Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest? TSA: ....
@jwoodham: Quidditch is my kind of sport. You don't have to run, you get to sit the whole time, and if things aren't going well you can just fly home.
@luiki89: It's been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver :(
@mjkspeaks: [interview] HIM: have u ever bribed anyone? ME: *pulls a package of OREO's from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who's asking