My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
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Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.