@GloriaFallon123: My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she's not my biological offspring
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@s8n: If it's 1 or 1000 sins you're still getting sent to Hell. So why not go for 1,000,000 sins and come down here a legend
@longwall26: "Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!" "LOL sir, that was a barber." "He was black." "We're sending a battleship."
@Manda_like_wine: My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, "I don't want Santa to see me when I poo."
@Hobo_Splendido: Sorry, there's a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they're not funny.