My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
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I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes