@GloriaFallon123: My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she's not my biological offspring
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@DrunksWithGuns: Me: Don't look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower. Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running. M: H: Please leave Home Depot.
@OldSpookMan: A homeless guy asked me "would you give me $5 for a sandwich?" I said "I don't know man, show me the sandwich first."