How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
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ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.