@Mr_Kapowski: My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners
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@LackOfShame: "How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?" - Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets
@FrenulumBreve: [Safari hunt] (Ok don't tell them I'm an elephant) *Adjusts hat and shades* "Elephant?. Yes that way." *Points with trunk*
@Underchilde: I know I should be searching for my missing friend, but there’s a lot of food in his apartment that’ll spoil if I don’t eat it.
@juliussharpe: I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we're all millionaires, none of this matters."