my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
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What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
🤣😂🤣
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.