Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
This line from Airplane.