My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
a god among men
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.