My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.