dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us