villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
You Might Also Like
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
incredible
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress