@MelvinofYork: My daughter just straight up out of the blue said "daddy if you ever get shot I hope it's in the belly so your fat will save you" WTF
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TragicAllyHere: [I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous [I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
@DebraMuffin: The best way to run into that hot person you've been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
@daemonic3: We're having sweet potato fries with dinner "Haha sweet potatoes?" DON'T "Don't what?" You're gonna make a dumb potato pun "I YAM NOT!"
@robdelaney: Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It's like, why did I have kids.