My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
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*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
My teenage children choosing violence
fr
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith