When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
classic mixup
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞