*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
You Might Also Like
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.