ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
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Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit