My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
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If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)