My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
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[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
This is why I hate group projects
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.