@evanrhorne: My daughter made the carpet hot lava and I'm afraid I'll be late for work now.
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@Mike_Bianchi: A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says "Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time."
@emireecraire: Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *hits her sister* Me: Keep your hands to yourself. 5: Me: 5: *kicks* Me: And your feet. 5: Me: 5: *headbutts*
@ArfMeasures: THERAPIST: Ever had a job? ME: I once worked at a zoo T: Great! & what did you take from that? ME: Definitely not a penguin T: What M: What