Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
You Might Also Like
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
waiting for halloween be like:
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
all bases covered
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.