@evanrhorne: My daughter made the carpet hot lava and I'm afraid I'll be late for work now.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: "You promise you didn't get me bees again" [me from a distance] just open it
@JohnHilsen: If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you'll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange. *only works at Home Depot
@Julian_Deane: Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
@offbeatoliv: I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent...well played...