@evanrhorne: My daughter made the carpet hot lava and I'm afraid I'll be late for work now.
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@philEfanaddict: The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
@NotThatKevin: I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...
@eddiesteadyno: Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself