@evanrhorne: My daughter made the carpet hot lava and I'm afraid I'll be late for work now.
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@Reverend_Scott: [Starbucks] Excuse me, this isn't what I ordered. "You ordered a Grande." Yes, but this is Ariana Grande. "Sir, please just take her."
@laurenlapkus: I'm not kidding Santa is waiting outside my house til it's "late enough" to go down my chimney
@carlyken: Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that's a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse [Everyone dies]