How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
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No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
These 3D printers are insane!
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Yeah. This was me today.