My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
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*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.