@simoncholland: My daughter put a horse's head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
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@SlabBaconBP: I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
@aPunch2theJunk: I heard someone say a guy on TV "oozes sexiness." I don't think oozing is very sexy at all. If something oozes, it's probably infected.
@OtherDanOBrien: [God creating me] And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety [the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in] [God shrugs] He'll be fine