My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
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Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself