My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?