King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
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How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
gm
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.