My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
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My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Netflix and awkward silence?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Fluff me with a fork baby
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco