@Supafunkadunka: My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for a class project. Starting to get suspicious.
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@Mike_Bianchi: A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says "Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time."
@DurtMcHurtt: When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
@DraggingFeeties: I'm just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I've had enough of their shit for one day
@aksorojas: fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt* fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you