Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
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Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Me as a therapist: omg same
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.