I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
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Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
With all the ghosting these days you鈥檇 think there鈥檇 be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I鈥檒l be throwing away in 6 months.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I鈥檝e always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
A man of commitment.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Me: I鈥檓 so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace鈥檚 bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Jewel: 馃幖 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you鈥檙e ahead
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I鈥檓 trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I鈥檝e tried works
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
No, I鈥檓 not dressing up as something sexy. I鈥檓 sexy 364 days of the year. I鈥檓 dressing up as the Predator.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I鈥檒l only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.