My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
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[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal