Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
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4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)