My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
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For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
“You’d better run, egg!”