My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
You Might Also Like
Batman v Dracula
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.