My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
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Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.