My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
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My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
the icebreaker
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
this FaceApp is creepy af
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.