@ValeeGrrl: My daughter spelled America "Merica" on a book report so now I'm searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
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@sarcasticmommy4: I hate it when I'm on twitter & there isn't a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
@PieChord: The only time my ex will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
@WilliamAder: If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
@Andrea__B__: Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?