My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
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Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
step 6: release the wall snake
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.