My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
You Might Also Like
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Me recordaron éste meme
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.