My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
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I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Great Canadian literature.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
You are not alone 💚